1 INT. CASTLE INTERIOR 1
There is a bed onstage behind a silky curtain, backlit.
PRINCE CHARMING (OS)
Once upon a time in a kingdom far,
far away, the king and queen were
blessed with a beautiful baby girl.
And throughout the land, everyone
was happy... until the sun went down
and they saw that their daughter was
cursed with a frightful enchantment
that took hold each and every night.
Desperate, they sought the help of a
fairy godmother who had them lock
the young princess away in a tower,
there to await the kiss... of the
handsome Prince Charming.
(enters gallantly onstage)
It was he who would chance the
perilous journey through blistering
cold and scorching desert traveling
for many days and nights, risking
life and limb to reach the Dragon's
keep. For he was the bravest, and
most handsome... in all the land.
(looks at the audience)
And it was destiny that his kiss
would break the dreaded curse. He
alone would climb to the highest
room of the tallest tower to enter
the princess's chambers, cross the
room to her sleeping silhouette,
pull back the gossamer curtains to
find her...
(pulls back the curtain to
reveal WOLF in the bed.
Gasps)
WOLF
What?
CHARMING
Princess... Fiona?
WOLF
No!
CHARMING
(relieved)
Thank heavens. Where is she?
2.
WOLF
She's on her honeymoon.
CHARMING
Honeymoon? With whom?
2 EXT. THE SWAMP 2
SHREK
It's so good to be home! Just you
and me and...
DONKEY
(offstage)
One is the loneliest number that you
ever do...
(enters)
Two can be as bad as one...
SHREK
Donkey?
DONKEY
Shrek! Fiona! Aren't you two a sight
for sore eyes! Give us a hug, Shrek,
you old love machine. And look at
you, Mrs. Shrek. How 'bout a side of
sugar for the steed?
SHREK
Donkey, what are you doing here?
DONKEY
Taking care of your love nest for
you.
SHREK
Oh, you mean like... sorting the
mail and watering the plants?
DONKEY
Yeah, and feeding the fish!
SHREK
I don't have any fish.
DONKEY
You did.
(looks around for the
fish)
SHREK
3.
Look at the time. I guess you'd
better be going.
DONKEY
Don't you want to tell me about your
trip? Or how about a game of
Parcheesi?
FIONA
Actually, Donkey? Shouldn't you be
getting home to Dragon?
DONKEY
Oh, yeah, that. I don't know. She's
been all moody and stuff lately. I
thought I'd move in with you.
FIONA
You know we're always happy to see
you, Donkey.
SHREK
But Fiona and I are married now. We
need a little time, you know, to be
together. Just with each other.
Alone.
DONKEY
Say no more. You don't have to worry
about a thing. I will always be here
to make sure nobody bothers you.
SHREK
Donkey!
DONKEY
Yes, roomie?
SHREK
You're bothering me.
DONKEY
Oh, OK. All right, cool. I guess...
Me and Pinocchio was going to catch
a tournament, anyway, so...Maybe
I'll see y'all Sunday for a barbecue
or something.
SHREK
He'll be fine. Now, where were we?
(giggles)
Oh.I think I remember. Donkey!
DONKEY
4.
I know, I know! Alone! I'm going!
I'm going. What do you want me to
tell these other guys?
ROYAL MESSENGER enters to fanfare.
MESSENGER
(clears throat)
"Dearest Princess Fiona. You are
hereby summoned to the Kingdom of
Far, Far Away for a royal ball in
celebration of your marriage at
which time the King will bestow his
royal blessing... upon you and
your...uh... Prince Charming. Love,
the King and Queen of Far, Far Away.
aka Mom and Dad."
FIONA
Mom and Dad?
SHREK
Prince Charming?
DONKEY
Royal ball? Can I come?
SHREK
We're not going.
FIONA & DONKEY
What?
SHREK
I mean, don't you think they might
be a bit...shocked to see you like
this?
FIONA
Well, they might be a bit surprised.
But they're my parents, Shrek. They
love me. And don't worry. They'll
love you, too.
SHREK
Yeah, right. Somehow I don't think
I'll be welcome at the country club.
FIONA
Stop it. They're not like that.
SHREK
How do you explain Sergeant Pompous
and the Fancy Pants Club Band?
5.
FIONA
Oh, come on! You could at least give
them a chance.
SHREK
To do what? Sharpen their
pitchforks?
FIONA
No! They just want to give you their
blessing.
SHREK
Oh, great. Now I need their
blessing?
FIONA
If you want to be a part of this
family, yes!
SHREK
Who says I want to be part of this
family?
FIONA
You did! When you married me!
SHREK
Well, there's some fine print for
you!
FIONA
(exasperated sigh)
So that's it. You won't come?
SHREK
Trust me. It's a bad idea. We are
not going! And that's final!
ALL exit.
3 EXT. SHREK SWAMP 3
SHREK, DONKEY and FIONA re-enter with GINGY and PINOCHIO.
SHREK is carrying luggage.
GINGY
(walking by and picking up
the ‘warning, Ogres sign’)
Don't worry! We'll take care of
everything.
6.
PINOCHIO
Hey, wait for me.
DONKEY
Hit it! Move 'em on! Head 'em up!
Head 'em up, move 'em on! Head 'em
up! Move ‘em on, Rawhide! Knock 'em
out! Pound 'em dead! Make 'em tea!
Buy 'em drinks! Meet their mamas!
Milk 'em hard! Rawhide! Yeehaw!
SHREK, FIONA and DONKEY pass back and forth on the stage
every time the E/E (Enter/exit symbol appears)
DONKEY
Are we there yet?
SHREK
No.
DONKEY
Are we there yet?
FIONA
Not yet.
DONKEY
OK, are we there yet?
SHREK
No.
DONKEY
Are we there yet?
FIONA
No!
DONKEY
Are we there yet?
SHREK
Yes.
DONKEY
Really?
SHREK
No!
DONKEY
Are we there yet?
SHREK & FIONA
7.
No!
DONKEY
Are we there yet?
SHREK
(mimics)
Are we there yet?
DONKEY
That's not funny. That's really
immature.
SHREK
That's not funny. That's really
immature.
DONKEY
This is why nobody likes ogres.
SHREK
This is why nobody likes ogres.
DONKEY
Your loss!
SHREK
Your loss!
DONKEY
I'm gonna just stop talking.
SHREK
Finally!
DONKEY
This is taking forever, Shrek.
There's no in-flight movie or
nothing!
SHREK
The Kingdom of Far, Far Away,
Donkey. That's where we're going.
Far, far --
(softly)
away!
DONKEY
All right, all right, I get it. I'm
just so darn bored.
SHREK
(groans)
Are we there yet?
8.
FIONA
(chuckles)
Yes!
DONKEY
Oh, finally!
ALL exit.
4 EXT. FAR FAR AWAY - CASTLE ENTRANCE 4
MESSENGER
Announcing the long-awaited return
of the beautiful Princess Fiona and
her new husband.
SHREK and FIONA enter off-stage left.
KING and QUEEN enter off-stage right.
FIONA
Well, this is it.
KING
This is it.
MESSENGER
This is it.
(exits)
SHREK
(chuckles)
So...you still think this was a good
idea?
FIONA
Of course! Look. Mom and Dad look
happy to see us.
KING
Who on earth are they?
QUEEN
I think that's our little girl.
KING
That's not little! That's a really
big problem. Wasn't she supposed to
kiss Prince Charming and break the
spell?
QUEEN
9.
Well, he's no Prince Charming, but
they do look...
SHREK
Happy now? We came. We saw them. Now
let's go before they light the1 INT. CASTLE INTERIOR 1
There is a bed onstage behind a silky curtain, backlit.
PRINCE CHARMING (OS)
Once upon a time in a kingdom far,
far away, the king and queen were
blessed with a beautiful baby girl.
And throughout the land, everyone
was happy... until the sun went down
and they saw that their daughter was
cursed with a frightful enchantment
that took hold each and every night.
Desperate, they sought the help of a
fairy godmother who had them lock
the young princess away in a tower,
there to await the kiss... of the
handsome Prince Charming.
(enters gallantly onstage)
It was he who would chance the
perilous journey through blistering
cold and scorching desert traveling
for many days and nights, risking
life and limb to reach the Dragon's
keep. For he was the bravest, and
most handsome... in all the land.
(looks at the audience)
And it was destiny that his kiss
would break the dreaded curse. He
alone would climb to the highest
room of the tallest tower to enter
the princess's chambers, cross the
room to her sleeping silhouette,
pull back the gossamer curtains to
find her...
(pulls back the curtain to
reveal WOLF in the bed.
Gasps)
WOLF
What?
CHARMING
Princess... Fiona?
WOLF
No!
CHARMING
(relieved)
Thank heavens. Where is she?
2.
WOLF
She's on her honeymoon.
CHARMING
Honeymoon? With whom?
2 EXT. THE SWAMP 2
SHREK
It's so good to be home! Just you
and me and...
DONKEY
(offstage)
One is the loneliest number that you
ever do...
(enters)
Two can be as bad as one...
SHREK
Donkey?
DONKEY
Shrek! Fiona! Aren't you two a sight
for sore eyes! Give us a hug, Shrek,
you old love machine. And look at
you, Mrs. Shrek. How 'bout a side of
sugar for the steed?
SHREK
Donkey, what are you doing here?
DONKEY
Taking care of your love nest for
you.
SHREK
Oh, you mean like... sorting the
mail and watering the plants?
DONKEY
Yeah, and feeding the fish!
SHREK
I don't have any fish.
DONKEY
You did.
(looks around for the
fish)
SHREK
3.
Look at the time. I guess you'd
better be going.
DONKEY
Don't you want to tell me about your
trip? Or how about a game of
Parcheesi?
FIONA
Actually, Donkey? Shouldn't you be
getting home to Dragon?
DONKEY
Oh, yeah, that. I don't know. She's
been all moody and stuff lately. I
thought I'd move in with you.
FIONA
You know we're always happy to see
you, Donkey.
SHREK
But Fiona and I are married now. We
need a little time, you know, to be
together. Just with each other.
Alone.
DONKEY
Say no more. You don't have to worry
about a thing. I will always be here
to make sure nobody bothers you.
SHREK
Donkey!
DONKEY
Yes, roomie?
SHREK
You're bothering me.
DONKEY
Oh, OK. All right, cool. I guess...
Me and Pinocchio was going to catch
a tournament, anyway, so...Maybe
I'll see y'all Sunday for a barbecue
or something.
SHREK
He'll be fine. Now, where were we?
(giggles)
Oh.I think I remember. Donkey!
DONKEY
4.
I know, I know! Alone! I'm going!
I'm going. What do you want me to
tell these other guys?
ROYAL MESSENGER enters to fanfare.
MESSENGER
(clears throat)
"Dearest Princess Fiona. You are
hereby summoned to the Kingdom of
Far, Far Away for a royal ball in
celebration of your marriage at
which time the King will bestow his
royal blessing... upon you and
your...uh... Prince Charming. Love,
the King and Queen of Far, Far Away.
aka Mom and Dad."
FIONA
Mom and Dad?
SHREK
Prince Charming?
DONKEY
Royal ball? Can I come?
SHREK
We're not going.
FIONA & DONKEY
What?
SHREK
I mean, don't you think they might
be a bit...shocked to see you like
this?
FIONA
Well, they might be a bit surprised.
But they're my parents, Shrek. They
love me. And don't worry. They'll
love you, too.
SHREK
Yeah, right. Somehow I don't think
I'll be welcome at the country club.
FIONA
Stop it. They're not like that.
SHREK
How do you explain Sergeant Pompous
and the Fancy Pants Club Band?
5.
FIONA
Oh, come on! You could at least give
them a chance.
SHREK
To do what? Sharpen their
pitchforks?
FIONA
No! They just want to give you their
blessing.
SHREK
Oh, great. Now I need their
blessing?
FIONA
If you want to be a part of this
family, yes!
SHREK
Who says I want to be part of this
family?
FIONA
You did! When you married me!
SHREK
Well, there's some fine print for
you!
FIONA
(exasperated sigh)
So that's it. You won't come?
SHREK
Trust me. It's a bad idea. We are
not going! And that's final!
ALL exit.
3 EXT. SHREK SWAMP 3
SHREK, DONKEY and FIONA re-enter with GINGY and PINOCHIO.
SHREK is carrying luggage.
GINGY
(walking by and picking up
the ‘warning, Ogres sign’)
Don't worry! We'll take care of
everything.
6.
PINOCHIO
Hey, wait for me.
DONKEY
Hit it! Move 'em on! Head 'em up!
Head 'em up, move 'em on! Head 'em
up! Move ‘em on, Rawhide! Knock 'em
out! Pound 'em dead! Make 'em tea!
Buy 'em drinks! Meet their mamas!
Milk 'em hard! Rawhide! Yeehaw!
SHREK, FIONA and DONKEY pass back and forth on the stage
every time the E/E (Enter/exit symbol appears)
DONKEY
Are we there yet?
SHREK
No.
DONKEY
Are we there yet?
FIONA
Not yet.
DONKEY
OK, are we there yet?
SHREK
No.
DONKEY
Are we there yet?
FIONA
No!
DONKEY
Are we there yet?
SHREK
Yes.
DONKEY
Really?
SHREK
No!
DONKEY
Are we there yet?
SHREK & FIONA
7.
No!
DONKEY
Are we there yet?
SHREK
(mimics)
Are we there yet?
DONKEY
That's not funny. That's really
immature.
SHREK
That's not funny. That's really
immature.
DONKEY
This is why nobody likes ogres.
SHREK
This is why nobody likes ogres.
DONKEY
Your loss!
SHREK
Your loss!
DONKEY
I'm gonna just stop talking.
SHREK
Finally!
DONKEY
This is taking forever, Shrek.
There's no in-flight movie or
nothing!
SHREK
The Kingdom of Far, Far Away,
Donkey. That's where we're going.
Far, far --
(softly)
away!
DONKEY
All right, all right, I get it. I'm
just so darn bored.
SHREK
(groans)
Are we there yet?
8.
FIONA
(chuckles)
Yes!
DONKEY
Oh, finally!
ALL exit.
4 EXT. FAR FAR AWAY - CASTLE ENTRANCE 4
MESSENGER
Announcing the long-awaited return
of the beautiful Princess Fiona and
her new husband.
SHREK and FIONA enter off-stage left.
KING and QUEEN enter off-stage right.
FIONA
Well, this is it.
KING
This is it.
MESSENGER
This is it.
(exits)
SHREK
(chuckles)
So...you still think this was a good
idea?
FIONA
Of course! Look. Mom and Dad look
happy to see us.
KING
Who on earth are they?
QUEEN
I think that's our little girl.
KING
That's not little! That's a really
big problem. Wasn't she supposed to
kiss Prince Charming and break the
spell?
QUEEN
9.
Well, he's no Prince Charming, but
they do look...
SHREK
Happy now? We came. We saw them. Now
let's go before they light the
torches.
FIONA
They're my parents.
SHREK
Hello? They locked you in a tower.
FIONA
That was for my own...
KING
Good! Here's our chance. Let's go
back inside and pretend we're not
home.
QUEEN
Harold, we have to be...
SHREK
Quick! While they're not looking we
can make a run for it.
FIONA
Shrek, stop it! Everything's gonna
be...
KING
A disaster! There is no way...
FIONA
You can do this.
Both parties begin moving toward eachother
SHREK
I really...
KING
Really...
QUEEN
don't...
SHREK
want...
FIONA
10.
to...
KING
be...
SHREK
Here!
FIONA
Mom... Dad...I'd like you to meet my
husband... Shrek.
SHREK
Well, um...It's easy to see where
Fiona gets her good looks from.
(chuckles nervously)
5 DONKEY ENTERS SHAKING OFF A GUARD 5
DONKEY
(off-stage)
What do you mean, "not on the list"?
Don't tell me you don't know who I
am.
(enters)
What's happening, everybody? Thanks
for waiting. I had the hardest time
getting into this place.
KING
No! No! Bad donkey! Bad! Go!
FIONA
No, Dad! It's all right. It's all
right. He's with us. He helped
rescue me from the dragon.
DONKEY
That's me: the noble steed.
SHREK
Oh, boy.
QUEEN
So, Fiona, tell us about where you
live.
FIONA
Well...Shrek owns his own land.
Don't you, honey?
SHREK
11.
Oh, yes! It's in an enchanted forest
abundant in squirrels and cute
little duckies and...
DONKEY
(laughing)
What? I know you ain't talking about
the swamp.
KING
An ogre from a swamp. Oh! How
original.
QUEEN
I suppose that would be a fine place
to raise the children.
6 SHREK AND KING COUGH INVOLUNTARILY 6
SHREK
It's a bit early to be thinking
about that, isn't it?
KING
Indeed.
QUEEN
Harold!
SHREK
What's that supposed to mean?
FIONA
Dad. It's great, OK?
KING
For his type, yes.
SHREK
My type?
KING
I suppose any grandchildren I could
expect from you would be...
SHREK
Ogres, yes!
QUEEN
Not that there's anything wrong with
that. Right, Harold?
KING
12.
Oh, no! No! Of course, not! That is,
assuming you don't eat your own
young!
FIONA
Dad!
SHREK
No, we usually prefer the ones
who've been locked away in a tower!
FIONA
Shrek, please!
KING
I only did that because I love her.
SHREK
Aye, day care or dragon-guarded
castle.
KING
You wouldn't understand. You're not
her father!
QUEEN
Harold!
FIONA
Shrek!
SHREK
Fiona!
KING
Fiona!
FIONA
Mom!
QUEEN
Harold...
DONKEY
Donkey!
FIONA exits crying.
7 EXT. STREETS OF FAR FAR AWAY 7
FIONA enters, she hears the voice of FAIRY GODMOTHER
FAIRY GODMOTHER (FG)
13.
Your fallen tears have called to me
So, here comes my sweet remedy I
know what every princess needs For
her to live life happily...
Both gasp.
FG
Oh, my dear. Oh, look at you. You're
all grown up.
FIONA
Who are you?
FG
Oh, sweet pea! I'm your fairy
godmother.
FIONA
I have a fairy godmother?
FG
Shush, shush. Now, don't worry. I'm
here to make it all better. With
just a wave of my magic wand, your
troubles will soon be gone. For
example, how about a sporty carriage
to ride in style, with a sexy manboy chauffeur named Kyle?
KYLE enters.
FIONA
Thank you very much, F
torches.
FIONA
They're my parents.
SHREK
Hello? They locked you in a tower.
FIONA
That was for my own...
KING
Good! Here's our chance. Let's go
back inside and pretend we're not
home.
QUEEN
Harold, we have to be...
SHREK
Quick! While they're not looking we
can make a run for it.
FIONA
Shrek, stop it! Everything's gonna
be...
KING
A disaster! There is no way...
FIONA
You can do this.
Both parties begin moving toward eachother
SHREK
I really...
KING
Really...
QUEEN
don't...
SHREK
want...
FIONA
10.
to...
KING
be...
SHREK
Here!
FIONA
Mom... Dad...I'd like you to meet my
husband... Shrek.
SHREK
Well, um...It's easy to see where
Fiona gets her good looks from.
(chuckles nervously)
5 DONKEY ENTERS SHAKING OFF A GUARD 5
DONKEY
(off-stage)
What do you mean, "not on the list"?
Don't tell me you don't know who I
am.
(enters)
What's happening, everybody? Thanks
for waiting. I had the hardest time
getting into this place.
KING
No! No! Bad donkey! Bad! Go!
FIONA
No, Dad! It's all right. It's all
right. He's with us. He helped
rescue me from the dragon.
DONKEY
That's me: the noble steed.
SHREK
Oh, boy.
QUEEN
So, Fiona, tell us about where you
live.
FIONA
Well...Shrek owns his own land.
Don't you, honey?
SHREK
11.
Oh, yes! It's in an enchanted forest
abundant in squirrels and cute
little duckies and...
DONKEY
(laughing)
What? I know you ain't talking about
the swamp.
KING
An ogre from a swamp. Oh! How
original.
QUEEN
I suppose that would be a fine place
to raise the children.
6 SHREK AND KING COUGH INVOLUNTARILY 6
SHREK
It's a bit early to be thinking
about that, isn't it?
KING
Indeed.
QUEEN
Harold!
SHREK
What's that supposed to mean?
FIONA
Dad. It's great, OK?
KING
For his type, yes.
SHREK
My type?
KING
I suppose any grandchildren I could
expect from you would be...
SHREK
Ogres, yes!
QUEEN
Not that there's anything wrong with
that. Right, Harold?
KING
12.
Oh, no! No! Of course, not! That is,
assuming you don't eat your own
young!
FIONA
Dad!
SHREK
No, we usually prefer the ones
who've been locked away in a tower!
FIONA
Shrek, please!
KING
I only did that because I love her.
SHREK
Aye, day care or dragon-guarded
castle.
KING
You wouldn't understand. You're not
her father!
QUEEN
Harold!
FIONA
Shrek!
SHREK
Fiona!
KING
Fiona!
FIONA
Mom!
QUEEN
Harold...
DONKEY
Donkey!
FIONA exits crying.
7 EXT. STREETS OF FAR FAR AWAY 7
FIONA enters, she hears the voice of FAIRY GODMOTHER
FAIRY GODMOTHER (FG)
13.
Your fallen tears have called to me
So, here comes my sweet remedy I
know what every princess needs For
her to live life happily...
Both gasp.
FG
Oh, my dear. Oh, look at you. You're
all grown up.
FIONA
Who are you?
FG
Oh, sweet pea! I'm your fairy
godmother.
FIONA
I have a fairy godmother?
FG
Shush, shush. Now, don't worry. I'm
here to make it all better. With
just a wave of my magic wand, your
troubles will soon be gone. For
example, how about a sporty carriage
to ride in style, with a sexy manboy chauffeur named Kyle?
KYLE enters.
FIONA
Thank you very much, F
